TOON SENATE PASSES ‘PINOCCHIO’S LAW’ TO GET TOUGH WITH ERRANT COACHMEN
Toontown, CA- The Toon Senate passed a new law this week that will require Coachmen seeking to round up boys to turn into donkeys to fully disclose the effects of a day spent at the magical Pleasure Island amusement park. “This is a step towards completely eradicating the sort of bait and switch advertising perpetuated by maniacal coachmen who seek to lure boys to Pleasure Island to turn them into donkeys for use at the Salt Mines,” noted Senate President Norris “Papa” Smurf, “No longer will we stand idly by while our sons are turned into donkeys.”
The law is named after Geppetto Corleone’s son Pinocchio, who escaped from a terrifying day at Pleasure Island. He detailed the horrific things he saw there in a Toontown News expose in which he vividly described drunken debauchery, all night vandalism and painful transformations into donkeys. Both Mr. Corleone and his son referred press questions to Senate President Smurf, seeking to stay out of the limelight.
Not everyone was happy about the passage of the law, however. Practical Pig, co-owner of Three Little Pigs Construction, Inc. was angry at what he called government interference in private enterprise. “My brothers and me are legitimate businessmen, running an efficient construction business. Every truckload of boys lured to Pleasure Island means a truckload of work for us the next morning, as we seek to repair all of the damage before the next group of bad kids arrive the next day. If this business dries up for us, we’ll have to layoff half of our staff. That’s hundreds of good paying jobs!”
The law’s passage is still up in the air however, as the Toon House of Representatives seem to have more reservations about the law. Toon House speaker Strawberry Shortcake chose not to comment on the law’s senate passage, but has expressed doubts about similar laws in the past. Ms. Shortcake has agreed to appear on ToonNews’ news show The Gargamel Factor tonight to speak about the bill’s chances for passage while Norris “Papa” Smurf and Practical Pig debate the merits of the bill. Political pundits reveled at the idea of these political titans coming together on the conservative commentator’s show and hoped that the sparks will clear up the muddy waters surrounding this bill’s prospects for passage.
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TOON SENATE PASSES ‘TRUTH IN GHOSTING’ LAW
Fed up with mysterious caretakers who impersonate ghosts, the Toon Senate passed a new law prohibiting people from impersonating ghosts to scare off meddling teens from abandoned amusement parks. “This law is a long time coming,” noted Senator Pinky, “Ghost impersonation is rampant and something needs to be done about it. I am proud that we’ve finally given Toons a new law we can all be proud of. Narf.”
Attending the signing were Frederick “Freddy” Jones, his longtime companion Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and their dog Scooby Doo. “We are pleased that they’ve finally passed this law. The senseless ghost impersonators made our job of meddling in business that is not our concern much more difficult.” Scooby Doo appeared to agree with this sentiment, shouting “Res, Rensless!”
Opposition to the new law came from conservative lawmaker Gargamel, who questioned the need for such a bill. “This law was unnecessary;” he noted, “After all, there are existing laws on the books that just aren’t being enforced. Besides, we have more important things to worry about, like locating and exterminating that hippy commune in the forest. Those blue potheads are openly flouting the law and nobody is doing anything about it.”
The new law will require judges to sentence anyone found guilty of impersonating a ghost for the sole purpose of scaring meddlers away from an abandoned amusement park to an additional ten years on top of any existing punishment they receive for their other misdeeds. “This law will give judges another weapon in our attempt to put a stop to this anti-social behavior,” noted Mr. Pinky, “No longer will middle aged caretakers who only want to be left alone in abandoned amusement parks be able to get away with their potentially frightening behavior. Narf!”
ASSEMBLY APPROVES A.B #1955, BETTER KNOWN AS ‘ACME TRUTH IN ADVERTISING BILL’
The ACME Truth in Advertising Bill was overwhelmingly approved today at the end of a marathon legislative session. Troubled by the stories he was told by an unnamed coyote constituent, Assemblyman Elmer Fudd (IND- Looney Acres) decided to write the law, named after the company whose products raised the ire of the complainant. The law requires the makers of novelty traps and devices to include a warning on every product, describing how the product might fail at an important moment, as well as the consequences of falling into the trap if one tries to figure out what went wrong. “This just makes sense,” noted Mr. Fudd, “I’m surprised that nobody else thought of such a law.”
A spokesman for ACME Products defended the company’s products and dismissed the need for such a law. “We make top quality products for trapping just about every type of animal, be it Rascally Rabbit, Wily Roadrunner or Sneaky Bird. It isn’t our fault if a particular customer doesn’t properly read the warning labels that are already a part of our packaging.” The company vowed to fight the law when it reaches the Senate but said that it would accept the law if enacted.
FOREST SENATE PASSES ‘SNOW WHITE’S LAW’
Citing a need to stop Evil Queens from masquerading as poor peddler women to poison their princess stepdaughters, the Forest Senate today passed “Snow White’s Law.” This new law requires any Evil Queen who uses magic to disguise herself as a poor peddler to carry two forms of ID; one featuring her name and photo as she normally appears and another with her assumed name and a photo of her dressed in her peddler disguise. Additionally, any Evil Queen peddling poisonous foodstuffs must reveal their poison content level if asked. “We want to make sure that what happened to Snow White never happens to any other princess whose stepmother becomes jealous of her beauty,” noted Senator Doc, (R- East Forest) “And I need to appear tough on crime.” Snow White, who was at the signing ceremony, declined to comment.
