Archive for the ‘ The Fake News ’ Category
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Famed prop comic Gallagher has awakened from a coma caused by a heart attack he suffered last week and is allegedly telling jokes to the hospital staff. As one nurse noted after listening to Gallagher’s hijinks- “Now I wish I was in a coma.”
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Kraft Foods announced that its new snack food division will be called “Mondelez”. It sounds like I’ll have to come up with a new name for my nouveau lesbian nightclub.
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Mitt Romney promised not to fire a campaign advisor who compared him to an “Etch-A-Sketch”, promising that Mitt would shake things up to become less conservative after the primaries conclude. “I won’t fire him,” noted Mr. Romney, “But I reserve the right to strap him to the roof of my car and drive him to Canada.”
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And finally, NBC has already canceled its entire 2012-2013 slate of new shows. “They’re all going to fail miserably, so we figured we’d save time this way,” said an NBC spokesperson, “Besides, this gives us a chance to begin picking the shows we’ll cancel for the upcoming 2013-2014 season!”
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A woman shopping for discounted merchandise at a Wal-Mart attacked her fellow shoppers with pepper spray during a so-called “Black Friday” sale. Nice to see that despite her rough week, the chancellor of UC Davis was able to enjoy some holiday shopping.
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Earlier this month, the father of Jodie Foster was charged with scamming his victims out of $100,000. Meanwhile, his daughter goes unpunished for inflicting “The Beaver” onto unsuspecting moviegoers.
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3% of Pennsylvanians still view accused child molester Jerry Sandusky favorably. In other news, 3% of Pennsylvanians must suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease.
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The new “Twilight” movie may cause seizures for some attendees; namely those dragged to the theater by their girlfriends/wives.
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And finally, customers at a Victoria’s Secret in Monroeville, PA fought each other to take advantage of the deals on lingerie…. or maybe they were filming a porno. In any case, Monroeville Police planned to carefully examine the security footage for as long as necessary.
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An Icelandic museum dedicated to displaying animal penises recently announced that it has received its first human specimen. This is apparently the first time any museum has been happy to get the shaft.
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Donald Trump has said that he has not yet decided whether he will run for president or not, but will make his announcement soon, most likely on the season finale of “Celebrity Apprentice”. Because as we all know, important decisions should always be made during sweeps month.
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FOX News has been sued by two brothers who claim the network libeled them when it said they had ties to the Al Qaeda terrorism network. A FOX spokesman scoffed at the lawsuit. “If everyone we libeled or lied about sued us, we’d go bankrupt…. Um, on second thought, no comment.”
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And finally, CBS announced that it has a plan to reboot “Two and a Half Men” without Charlie Sheen’s character and it will announce that plan this month at its upfront presentation for advertisers. In future news, CBS has cancelled its “Two and a Half Men” reboot….
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The Wal-Mart Corporation launched another food recall this week as it recalled tons of listeria tainted Marketplace Grab and Go “Fresh” sandwiches, some of them with expiration dates of three weeks from when they were made. “We recalled these sandwiches out of an abundance of caution,” noted a Wal-Mart spokesperson, “It should have been obvious that ‘grab and go’ referred to the symptoms caused by the diarrhea our customers would receive from eating them.”
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Sempra Energy, owner of various utility companies, reserved the entire Knott’s Berry Farm Theme Park during the busy Labor Day Weekend, shutting out the general public. “We have used our record energy profits to reward our employees and bar the general public, many of whom are our customers from enjoying a day in the park,” noted a Sempra spokesman, “Just think about that when you write a check for your electric bill this month.”
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Arizona governor Jan Brewer announced that she would not be participating in further gubernatorial debates after she appeared to be confused and incompetently answered questions during the first debate. “I may be unfit to lead this state,” noted Ms. Brewer, “But since I’ve scapegoated those murderous illegals, it will take much more than incompetence and senility to lose this race.”
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And finally, Paris Hilton, who was arrested for cocaine possession says that the cocaine was obviously not hers because it was in a purse that she borrowed from a friend. She further stated that the purse was too cheap to be something that she would own. “I would have never bought such a cheap and tawdry purse,” noted Ms. Hilton, “After all, everyone knows how classy I am.” Ms. Hilton then stepped back, tripped over her stiletto heels and flashed her beav to the paparazzi.
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Former Friends cast member Matt LeBlanc admitted this week that he has been going gray since the original show’s run and is now completely gray. We’re pretty sure that’s a typo and there’s an extra letter or two stuck in there somewhere….
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Lindsay Lohan, finally serving a jail sentence due to her many transgressions, was mortified when her fellow inmates chanted “Firecrotch” at her while she was being transported through the facility. “These other women were vicious and cruel to be shouting ‘firecrotch’ at Lindsay,” noted her spokesperson, “After all, Lindsay’s doctor says that all of her various STDs have been cured and the nickname is no longer valid.”
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Former child actress Sara Gilbert has confirmed that she is, indeed, a lesbian. In other surprising news, the sky is apparently blue.
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“Long Island Lolita” Amy Fisher announced this week that she will produce and star in four porn movies. Stunning news, considering she was always such a class act.
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Corey Feldman is dedicating the third Lost Boys movie to his friend Corey Haim. Too bad he has absolutely nothing to do with the actual movie.
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And finally, California State Fair officials had to shoot and kill a pregnant cow who threatened to stampede through the fair’s midway. In related news, 50% off all hamburgers at the California State Fair, while they last!
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Steve Carell has confirmed that he will be leaving the NBC show The Office after next season. Wait, NBC is still on the air?
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Universal’s Islands of Adventure Park has banned fat people from riding one of its new rides based on the Harry Potter films. “Yeah, if you’re too fat, you can’t ride,” noted a Universal Studios spokesperson, “We felt we had to do something to get the rabid Harry Potter fans out of their mother’s basements and onto a treadmill.”
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Forbes released its annual list of the most powerful celebrities. We haven’t read the list yet, but it’s probably safe to say that Dustin Diamond and Carrot Top are not on it.
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After a painful breakup, Aerosmith is back together and “better than ever”, according to Steve Tyler. Find that last part hard to believe? Well, in Mr. Tyler’s defense, he was probably high at the time he made that comment…
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And finally, Michael Jackson’s father has filed a wrongful death suit against the doctor who was with Michael during his last moments. Of course, he totally just wants to send a message and isn’t really just a money grubbing dirtbag. Really!
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Coolio was briefly a wanted man when he didn’t show up to a court hearing earlier this month. Coolio told the judge that he hadn’t forgotten the court date; it was just that he really liked seeing the words “Wanted” and “Coolio” in the same sentence again.
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The Whole Foods grocery chain has announced that it wants its customers to bring in their corks, temporarily exciting Elton John, who was later disappointed when he re-read that sentence.
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Jeffrey Katzenberg criticized Warner Brothers’ 3D release of Clash of the Titans, noting that it cheapened the quality 3D releases, such as those released by his company Dreamworks Animation. “As we all know, what America really wants to see in 3D are lowbrow animated features featuring farting animals and cheap jokes,” noted Mr. Katzenberg, “Even I still can’t believe these crappy films make money.”
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And finally, a volcano in Iceland has been shooting hot plumes of ash into the air, unnecessarily exciting Elton John yet again.
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Sean Hayes, star of the NBC sitcom Will and Grace has publicly admitted that he is gay. In other news, Rosie O’Donnell is apparently a lesbian and the sky is blue.
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A video game based on the television show Murder, She Wrote has been released and is expected to sell well. Sell well, that is, once grandma figures out how to operate her computer box.
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MLS, the Major League Soccer organization in the United States could miss the start of the season this year due to a player strike. This is terrible news for the players and team owners and pretty much not even on the radar of anyone else.
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And finally, Jessica Simpson has announced that she is planning to investigate people’s beauty standards. Wow. Who knew Ms. Simpson would decide to tackle an investigation that would force her to conduct her “investigation” at Clinique? In other news, “fair and balanced” Fox News correspondent Sarah Palin wondered aloud why she couldn’t be assigned similar topics. She was quickly told to shut up and memorize the RNC talking points for her 5PM “debate” with Glenn Beck.
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Jay Leno returned to “The Tonight Show” this week. Mr. Leno stated that he was glad to be back where he felt he belonged. “This is great,” noted Mr. Leno, “I’m a great fit for this network. My jokes are just like NBC; tired, old and unfunny.”
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Kate Gosselin, the woman who used her eight children as a means to get attention for herself, announced that she would be in the new season of Dancing With The Stars. When asked how she would juggle the demands of the show while still caring for her kids, Ms. Gosselin asked “Kids?What kids?”
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There was a scary moment in the Jackson household this week after a Jackson cousin allegedly tried to use a stun gun on Michael Jackson’s son “Blanket”. Of course, this is the third worst thing to happen to “Blanket”. The worst thing? When his father chose to call him “Blanket”.
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And finally, Martin Scorsese said that dramas will eventually be filmed in 3-D and that he’d want to see the movie Precious in that format. Trust us, Martin… you don’t really want that.
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Elton John told an interviewer that he was “helping” rap star Eminem with his “drug addiction.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
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Jennifer Lopez is reportedly upset that she has never been nominated for a Oscar. Because when you’ve starred in such classics as Anaconda and Gigli and don’t get a nomination, you know you’ve been completely robbed.
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Last week, Sharon Stone said that fellow actress Meryl Streep “looks like an unmade bed”. Of course, who better to know what an unmade bed looks like than an old tramp like Sharon Stone?
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And finally, Priscilla Presley stated this week that if her ex-husband Elvis Presley had not died in 1977, he would probably be a gospel singer today- a 1,000 pound gospel singer….
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