Ralphland

Brett Favre’s Excuses For Allegedly Sexting A Co-Worker

10. Thought he was sending the picture to his doctor, who wanted to check out Brett’s hernia.

9. That’s what he gets for trying to use his new-fangled camera phone thingamajigg while standing around naked in front of a mirror!

8. You mean those pictures didn’t get sent to his beloved, number one wife?

7. Really needed the co-worker’s thoughts on whether he had a rash or not…

6. ESPN didn’t complain when he sent them similar texts…

5. You mean those pictures didn’t get sent to Al Michaels?

4. Thought he was sending them to Wrangler Jeans, who needed to fit him for their new Jean commercial.

3. When he whipped it out in front of the Jets cheerleading crew, she was the least offended lady, so he figured she wanted to see “Little Brett”

2. “I need to explain myself? I’m g***amn Brett Favre!”

1. It was a favor to his good buddy Tiger Woods, who needed the spotlight taken off of him for a little bit. By the way, Tiger, You’re welcome!

10. Everything else on the network is failing, why should “The Tonight Show” be any different?

9. Frightened NBC executives are afraid Leno will use his chin as a weapon.

8. Jeff Zucker has never made any smart decisions before, why would he start now?

7. Because keeping an unfunny comedian with an outdated act and stale jokes just seems like a smart idea, right?

6. Since Jeff Zucker loved the book “The Late Shift” so much, he was excited about the opportunity to be featured in the sequel.

5. With NBC probably going out of business soon, they’re really doing Conan a favor.

4. Johnny Carson had stopped spinning in his grave and powering the NBC studios with regular electricity ain’t cheap, you know…

3. NBC needed to keep Jay around to star in upcoming “Law and Order: Joke Theft Division” drama.

2. With Jay gone, Al Michaels would have been the last remaining douchebag on the NBC payroll and that would not be a good thing…

And NBC’s #1 reason for keeping Jay Leno: He’s got pictures of the NBC Christmas party and he’s not afraid to give them to TMZ!

10. Worldwide credit crunch means Carrot Top can’t get financing for Chairman of the Board 2: With a Vengeance.

9. Cities finally getting a handle on the stray cat and dog population thanks to the new BK Value Menu.

8. People now only ‘buying things that they need’, like the Snuggie and ShamWow.

7. Movie Theaters come to the aid of cash strapped Americans by lowering concession prices 1%.

6. Wal-Mart postpones launch of new “Amy Winehouse” fashion line.

5. Due to the tough economic climate, “Los Del Rio” forced to cancel “Macarena Reunion Tour”.

4. Comcast forced to lower cable rates- instead of an arm and a leg, the Basic Cable package will now cost just an arm.

3. Due to CBS cutbacks, America will have to wait indefinitely for the next CSI spinoff- CSI: Wasilla

2. The serious financial crisis forces Americans to focus on the important things in life; like which celebutante showed off her privates getting out of the car at Spago last night.

1. Long awaited Small Wonder reunion movie put on indefinite hold.

We’re counting down to Ralphland’s 500th Posting! Enjoy Post 490!

Ten Things John McCain Plans To Change If He Becomes The Next President

10. New federal mandate: Every restaurant must have early bird specials.

9. The mailbox at The White House will read “The McCains” and not “The Bushes”.

8. “Failed George W. Bush Policies” will become “Failed John McCain Policies”.

7. New curfews for young whippersnappers less than 60 to become law.

6. Controversial prison camp at Guantanamo Bay to close, will reopen as “America’s Totally Awesome Military Base and     Prison Resort.”

5. Will return class, credibility and respect to Washington; but not until after the election.

4. A full top to bottom shakeup of anything and everything to finally clean up a government he’s been a part of for over 20 years.

3. Goodbye reckless deficit spending; hello semi-reckless deficit spending!

2. Will try to shore up the U.S. economy, even though it is 100% perfect the way it is these days..

1. Will end porkbarrel spending, but not before “The Matlock Expressway” gets built.

10. Master Copies of Friends spinoff Joey.

9. Original Jaws 4: The Revenge shooting script.

8. Bill Cosby’s 80’s style sweaters.

7. Remaining Copies of Murder She Wrote: After Dark

6. Re-mastered Saturday Night Live sketches from cancelled DVD release The Best of Saturday Night Live: The Mary Gross Years.

5. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno “joke” archives.

4. Alternate E.T. ending where E.T.’s parents kill Elliott.

3. Charo’s deleted scenes from Airport ‘79: The Concorde.

2. Pilot for Law and Order: Health Inspectors Unit.

1. All unsold copies of Murder She Wrote Goes To Spring Break: Grandmas Gone Wild!

10. It’s only 10AM and the Police have already been called to your house twice.

9. The first family member to come out of the closet? Grandma.

8. Margot Kidder wanders into your house and she wasn’t invited.

7. Your Thanksgiving “Dinner” is taking place on Jerry Springer’s “Holidays Gone Wild” episode.

6. The party is taking place in the Wal-Mart parking lot just because Grandma wants to be the first in line to buy a $10 DVD Player.

5. The Thanksgiving “entertainment” consists of watching cousin Billy’s disastrous American Idol auditions and pretending that Simon was completely crazy.

4. The second family member to come of the closet? Your cousin of the same sex that you have to share a room with.

3. The fun game for the kids this year? Find Grandma’s dentures in the Mashed Potatoes!

2. Thanksgiving “Dinner” consists of four Number Ones from the McDonald’s value menu- Super Sized!

1. Lindsay Lohan shows up at your house- after driving her car through your living room.

10. “Lead Smelter Barbie”

9. “GHB Elmo”

8. “Asbestos Ann and Andy”

7. “My First Tattoo Parlor”

6. “Nickelodeon’s Radioactive Green Slime”

5. “Polly Pocket’s Choking Hazard Playset”

4. “Battery Acid Hot Wheels”

3. “Rusty Shards of Metal Construction Set”

2. “Medical Waste Doctor Elmo”

1. “Fur Real Authentic Dog Skin Dog.”

Britney’s Excuses For Her Infamous MTV Performance

10. “I didn’t think it was actually going to air on TV. I mean, MTV doesn’t show anything having to do with music these days.”

9. “It was a joke, y’all! A really sad joke.”

8. “Sarah Silverman is my friend and I really wanted to help her out by doing something she could make fun of.”

7. “The gals at the Wal-Mart who sold me my outfit thought my dancing was cool.”

6. “April Fools, Y’all!”

5. “I just have a wide stance.”

4. “That act killed when I drunkenly performed it on stage at The Kitten Club.”

3. “I blame Margarita for this disaster. No she’s not my assistant- I had 10 Margaritas.”

2. “I wanted to give that Chris Crocker kid a chance to get famous.”

1. “I’m coked up, y’all!”

SECRETS ABOUT THE WAL-MART SMILEY FACE

(ORIGINALLY POSTED ON RALPHLAND.COM)

10. Uses his whip to punish Wal-Mart employees, not to lower prices.

9. Was once married to Liz Taylor.

8. Really likes to “lower the prices” with hot Wal-Mart women, if you know what I mean.

7. Dodged the Vietnam draft by wearing a dress and becoming ‘Miss Smiley Face’.

6. Was sued for sexual harassment due to his habit of not wearing any pants.

5. Enjoys shopping at Target, not Wal-Mart.

4. Is a spiteful, lying jerk. (No, wait- that’s Kathie Lee….)

3. Undergoes plastic surgery every year.

2. Is the defendant in numerous paternity suits.

1. Smiles because he really enjoys his job closing down local businesses

BAD IDEAS FOR KIDS TV SHOWS

(ORIGINALLY POSTED ON RALPHLAND.COM)

10. “Marijuana Shortcake”

9. “Fat Albert and the Commune Kids”

8. “Steven Spielberg presents The Pyromaniacs”

7. “Booze Clues”

6. “Mighty Morphin Flower Arrangers”

5. “Crackhouse Rock”

4. “Scooby Doo”

3. “George Michael’s Playhouse”

2. “The Little Frenchmaid”

1. “Jerry Springer’s Muppet Babies”