“What Are They Really Saying?”
For the past year, Wal-Mart has been running a commercial to introduce their customers to the wonders of DVD. The commercial is typically Wal-Mart; a Wal-Mart employee dashes around the DVD section of the store extolling the virtues of DVD. The whole thing comes off as slightly embarrassing since the commercial tries to make use of that lingo that’s so popular with the kids these days, not to mention that it patronizes Wal-Mart customers since it assumes that they don’t understand a thing about DVDs. In reality, I’m sure that many Wal-Mart customers are quite aware of that extra box what goes on the movin’ picture screen.
But the biggest offense is saved for the last part of the commercial. You see, the Wal-Mart employee announces to one and all that DVD players are so affordable at Wal-Mart that “. . . if I can afford one, so can you.” Really now? Are we to assume that Wal-Mart is conceding that they pay such low wages that if one of their so-called associates can afford one, we who make more reasonable wages should be able to as well? Is this the sort of message that they would like to send to their employees? I can imagine how excited Wal-Mart employees must be to be reminded by their own company on a nationally televised commercial spot that they make pretty low wages.
The only thing stranger about this spot is that nobody in the Wal-Mart chain of command had a problem with that sentence. One would assume that a large team of people must have had to approve the ad, so why didn’t anyone pick up on the negative interpretation? The ad seems all the more jarring when contrasted with the “Wal-Mart is a great place to work” spot. I guess Wal-Mart is a great place to work because at the very least you can afford to buy a DVD player at Wal-Mart.
The Wonderful World of Usenet
I’ll admit it; I was a little slow to embrace this introneck thingee. I remember my roommate during my freshman year in college offered to help me sign up for an e-mail account. At the time, I didn’t really know what I could do with an e-mail account and resisted quite strongly. I soon changed my mind, however, and decided that the Internet would be a great thing to be a part of. As luck would have it, my school ran out of disk space, so it would be a few weeks before I could sign up for an account. Soon, I was sending out e-mail, using Gopher to visit various sites and most importantly, getting into the Usenet Newsgroup thing.
At the time, I was fascinated by the opportunity to hook up with people who shared similar interests to mine and who lived around the world. I quickly subscribed and contributed to groups like rec.arts.tv.mst3k, rec.arts.disney, etc. The newsgroups became a lifeline of sorts, since I could find out what was going on at places like Disneyland without actually being there. For a few glorious years, I regularly visited the newsgroups and shared my views. Soon, however, it became too hard to wade through the large number of messages and I became an occasional lurker.
Recently, however, I was able to revisit my Usenet years. I had innocently believed that the messages would just go out into the ether, never to be seen again. I was quite wrong. It seems that folks have been archiving all of those messages and Google is now the repository of those archives. I nervously did a search of my name and sure enough many of those old posts are still out there. It was hard to see them so readily available and out of context. I don’t even know what some of the messages were actually about.
I suppose that the most shocking thing about it all is how unimportant most of my postings seemed to be. Who really cared what I thought about Joel vs. Mike? Why did anyone want to read my Disneyland trip reports? It’s like having full recordings of every dull, stupid and inane conversation I’ve ever had. I can’t help but think that some of these postings could eventually come back to haunt folks. Imagine this:
President 2022: I want to balance the budget fairly. Next question.
Press: You once made a Usenet post where you said during its first season that “Friends” was terrible and that it would never last. Do you stick by your statement?
I have no real desire to become an elected official, but I also feel a little uneasy that my thoughts on a particular subject at a particular time are there for everyone to see. I suppose that I should have assumed that the postings would be around forever, but I guess I was probably too fascinated by the technology to think too clearly. Luckily, my span of time on Usenet was relatively short and I believe that there isn’t too much embarrassing stuff out there. In fact, about the only person who might get mad at me for something that I posted is Carol Channing. (Don’t ask.) I think I should be relatively safe, though since I don’t think that Ms. Channing even knows what the Internet is.
Ralphland Classics are articles that were previously posted on the old Ralphland website.
“THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!”
Many times, people searching for a movie to see will consult their local newspapers to see what sort of reviews a particular film has received. Most of the reviewers featured in film advertisements are reputable and well known; their raves highly sought after by the movie studios. But what about those films that just aren’t that great? That’s where the reviewers who love everything come in!
You know you’ve seen them; wildly enthusiastic reviews in advertisements for those films that no legitimate critic would admit to liking. “A Laugh Riot!” says the ad copy for Freddy Got Fingered. “The Movie of the Year is here!” says the poster for The Last Action Hero. There seems to be a never-ending group of publicity seeking “critics” who want to spread their names far and wide by writing wildly enthusiastic reviews for every film that they see. Even Ed Wood would be sure to get at least one rave review nowadays. I can see it now: “‘Plan 9 From Outer Space is Outta Sight!’ says Susan Granger!”
I guess many of these folks do it all for the free trips and gifts. I’ve read somewhere that the studios wine and dine the less discriminating critics so that they can get good quotes for their advertising and posters. I bet though, that many of these lesser-known critics probably enjoy seeing their names splashed across national television. After all, how often would an obscure movie reviewer or movie-reviewing weatherman from Bumwad, Ohio get quoted on network TV? For that matter, how would anyone in Florida know that the very same personality is the laughingstock of Ohio?
The saddest thing about this whole situation is the Columbia Pictures debacle. Of course, many people know that they invented a fictional critic and had him write glowing reviews of their terrible summer releases. You know that their films must have been pretty bad when they couldn’t give a real person enough free stuff to convince them to give “A Knight’s Tale” a good quote.
The biggest question that begs to be answered is whether the quotes from the reviewers who like everything actually fool the general public. When I see an ad with nothing but glowing reviews from critics who I’ve never heard of, I think twice before making the trip to see the film. I especially think twice when I see quotes from folks who I know have never seen a movie that they didn’t like. (Or, better yet, have never been able to turn down a free trip to Hollywood.)
Just think about the box offices numbers good old Ed Wood could have pulled in if he’d only known how to get a good review. Would we have heard the following?: “‘Glen or Glenda is gender bending fun!’ says Mark S. Allen!”
Ralphland Classics are articles that were previously posted on the old Ralphland website.
“The Race for Oscar”
I find it interesting to think about how deluded certain folks in Hollywood might be. (Sort of like I delude myself into thinking that people might be actually reading the things I put on this website.) Anyway, I suppose what I’m wondering is, do the terrible actors and actresses of Hollywood wonder if they’ll get nominated for an Oscar? Did Kathy Ireland spend sleepless nights back in 1988 wondering if her role in Alien From L.A. would be honored with a nomination?
I’m sure that there are probably slimy hangers on who try to give false hope to those actors with no chance of getting a nomination- “Of course, they’ll nominate you for Best Actor, Carrot Top! Chairman of the Board was an awesome movie!” Plus, if you believe the critics who love everything, practically everyone in Hollywood is deserving of an Oscar! It probably isn’t too far fetched for an actor with a zero chance of a nomination to get excited about his chances.
Moving on, what about the stars who won’t give up until they get nominated? Take Jim Carrey, for example. Despite the fact that the entertainment news shows think that everyone loves him and that “..this is his year!” he rightfully gets snubbed every time. While I’m sure that Mr. Carrey is probably a nice gentleman who will make more money this year than millions of people combined, he has overacted in just about every movie he has been in.. That’s right, I’ll say it. How does the former Fire Marshall Bill and Ace Ventura expect the Academy to forget all of that?
Another celebrity who recently held up high hopes for an Oscar was Courtney Love. Yes, repellent, hard living, train wreck Courtney Love. She seemed to think that she was a shoe-in for her “acting” in “The People vs. Larry Flynt” in which she played a skanky, hard living train wreck. Sorry, Ms. Love, but playing out scenes that are not too far removed from your real life won’t get you an Oscar. (Some might argue that it isn’t really acting either.)
But before we get comfortable with the idea that Mr. Carrey or Ms. Love are never going to get real Oscars, (there’s always a possible life achievement one) let us remember, no matter how hard we try to forget, that Cher has won an Oscar for best actress. That’s enough to give Jim Carrey, Courtney Love, Will Smith and even Carrot Top hope that one of these days, when we least expect it, we’ll hear: “And the Best Actress Oscar goes to . . . Courtney Love!”
Ralphland Classics are articles that were previously posted on the old Ralphland website.
