Ralphland

“Fifty dollars could sure get me out of a couple jams.”

-Linda, as played by Melissa McCarthy on SNL

“Every day in some small way, we are a part of Walt’s dream, whether walking through the park, watching amazing movies or television, or just spending time together. It all started with a young cartoonist landing in Los Angeles, his friend Mickey Mouse in his heart, a trunk full of dreams and ambitions, and most importantly, a lifetime of stories to tell.”

-Noah

**

Famed prop comic Gallagher has awakened from a coma caused by a heart attack he suffered last week and is allegedly telling jokes to the hospital staff. As one nurse noted after listening to Gallagher’s hijinks- “Now I wish I was in a coma.”

**

Kraft Foods announced that its new snack food division will be called “Mondelez”. It sounds like I’ll have to come up with a new name for my nouveau lesbian nightclub.

**

Mitt Romney promised not to fire a campaign advisor who compared him to an “Etch-A-Sketch”, promising that Mitt would shake things up to become less conservative after the primaries conclude. “I won’t fire him,” noted Mr. Romney, “But I reserve the right to strap him to the roof of my car and drive him to Canada.”

**

And finally, NBC has already canceled its entire 2012-2013 slate of new shows. “They’re all going to fail miserably, so we figured we’d save time this way,” said an NBC spokesperson, “Besides, this gives us a chance to begin picking the shows we’ll cancel for the upcoming 2013-2014 season!”

**

#ThisAmericanLifeRetractions

Our calm sounding announcers actually have huge anger management issues.

Ira Glass and Rush Limbaugh are actually the same person.

It’s actually more of a “Canadian” life in actuality.

All of our “contributors” are really just Ira Glass doing different voices.

Our production company is a division of Monsanto.

Our editorial staff not only doesn’t recycle as we claimed, they waste natural resources as often as possible.

Despite our denials, Ira Glass & Rachel Maddow *are* the same person.

#FactsWithoutWikipedia

The character “Madea” was originally played by Maya Angelou.

Paula Deen & Wilford Brimley have one thing in common; they are actually the same person.

“Alex Trebek” is really a Canadian robot, smuggled into the U.S. in 1978.

Enron is still a wildly successful business that has earned many awards for its integrity.

Wal-Mart provides excellent pay & benefits to all of its employees.

Kirk Cameron’s last birthday party was actually well attended by his friends, family & fans.

If you vote for Herman Cain, he will personally send you aGodfather’s Pizza with the toppings of your choice.

When Bil Keane’s smutty comics were rejected by Playboy Magazine, he cleaned them up and “Family Circus” was born.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg earned money to pay for her law degree by dancing as “Ruthie Bazooms” at a gentleman’s club.

Dolly Parton uses her old brassieres to provide shade for her customers at the Dollywood Theme Park.

Despite the happy ending used in the movie based on his life, Clark Kent was actually deported back to Krypton.

Herman Cain gained control of “Godfather’s Pizza” due to Fredo Corleone’s incompetence.

In the original “Murder She Wrote” pilot, Jessica Fletcher was a traveling stripper.

Sarah Jessica Parker is the daughter of Hollywood legend Mr. Ed.

“Lady Gaga” is the disowned daughter of Kermit & Miss Piggy.

In actuality, there are several people who do not like Sara Lee.

Amelia Earhart was the first blind woman to write a diary about her experiences during the Korean War.

Charo actually speaks perfect English and moonlights as an English professor at Harvard.

Even Abe Vigoda himself isn’t quite sure whether he’s dead or alive.

Road Dahl based the character of Willy Wonka on an infamous serial killer who murdered several children.

“Sex and the City” was cobbled together from rejected “Golden Girls” spec scripts.

The Winner of “American Idol” is 47th in the line of succession for U.S. President.

Olive Oyl took control of “Popeye’s Fried Chicken” after her divorce from (ironically) Bluto.

Gerber Baby Food no longer contains actual baby.

The film “Armageddon” was not historically accurate; in reality, Bruce Willis fails & earth was actually destroyed.

Ed Wood is the greatest living Hollywood director.

#freeMafianicknames

Tony “The Mary” Poppins

Harry “The Palm” Soprano

Vinny “Va-jay-jay” Corleone

Anthony “Bad Tipper” Capone

Sarah “Jessica” Parker (Wait, that’s #rejectedracehorsenames)

Disney Legend Robert Sherman, one half of the legendary Disney songwriting team The Sherman Brothers, has passed away at the age of 86.

Along with his brother Richard Sherman, Robert wrote many of Disney’s most memorable songs, including “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, “It’s A Small World” and “There’s A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow”. Walt Disney’s favorite song “Feed the Birds (Tuppence a Bag)” was also written by the brothers and he often asked them to play it for him after a busy week.

Rest in peace, Mr. Sherman, and thank you for sharing your talents with the world!

#whatrickperrylookslike

The guy who shows up to your office and asks to speak to the purchasing manager in charge of paperclips.

The scary guy in the office who only gets invited to lunch because you’re trying to be nice.

Swing Shift Manager of Jewelry, Guns & Beauty Aids at a Florida Wal-Mart.

Someone who wants to know what it’s going to take to get you behind the wheel of a new Ford.

Meredith Baxter’s Ex-Husband in a Lifetime Original Movie.

Guy who shouts “You can’t come in here!” right before getting arrested on Law & Order.

Night shift manager at Denny’s who is “totally cool” about letting you study there as long as you buy some fries.

The boss of the guy who tells you you’re making a scene in front of the other customers and asks you to leave.

Co-worker who tells you he’d tell the boss where to stick it if he didn’t have bills to pay & an ex to support.

Rude interviewer from an ITT Tech ad who says you need more education if you want him to hire you.

Number 3 Mattress salesman in the entire Tri-State area.

Big city detective who tells Jessica Fletcher he doesn’t need any help from an “old dame.”

Guy who gets asked to “Have a seat right over there.” by Chris Hanson.

Someone who “gets a kick” out of Ziggy and Family Circus.

The snooty father of the stuck-up frat guy in an 80’s Comedy

Your uncle who still thinks it’s “hip” to drunkenly dance the Macarena at family functions

The guy in a Hallmark Channel movie who learns that he gave his kids everything except what they wanted most- love.

The guy who is taught by Della Reese & her angels that love and not money is the most important thing in life.

A guy who hopes the hotel clerk can’t see that his pay per view charges are all for porno films.

Someone who “rocks out” to Michael Buble on his drive home from work.

A guy who is described as a “quiet fellow” who “never raised a fuss” after he’s killed in a shootout with the cops.

A guy who tells the cops he was merely trying to drive the hooker in his car to a church so he could pray with her.

The douchy authority figure who Dixie Carter’s character tells off at the end of every “Designing Women” episode.

Guy who would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!

#badtigerbeatstories

We Chat With ‘To Catch A Predator’ Hottie Chris Hanson!

25 Hot Facts About Ernest Borgnine!!

Win Dinner With Dreamy Mike Tyson!!

Rosie O’Donnell’s Top Secret Make-over Tips!

You Too Can Look Like Cloris Leachman! We Show You How!!

Want Charlie Manson To Be Your Grandpa For A Day? Contest Details Inside!

Ask Lindsay Lohan: Advice For Today’s Teens!

Willie Aames Wants To Know If You Want Fries With That!

Los Del Rio? Los Del Hot!!!

Win Dates With Art Garfunkel and John Oates!

Win A Trip To The Poligrip Factory!

Win A Trip To France And A Date With Roman Polanski!

Your Favorite Heartthrobs: Where Are They Now? We Include A Map of L.A. Area McDonald’s Drive Thrus!

Look Like Phyllis Diller! We Show You How!

Win a Trip To A Hollywood Premiere With Dustin Diamond and Help Him Keep The Water Glasses Filled At the After Party!

Who’s The Boss? During the Swing Shift At McDonald’s, Danny Pintauro is!

Failure! How We Tried To Help Lindsay Lohan Find Her Dignity!

Maya Angelou Shares Her 5 Top Makeout Tips!

Big Pimpin’ With Vanilla Ice at the Motel 6!

You Can Win a Chance To Help Clean Arnold Schwarzenegger’s House!

Historical Hotties: William Taft Edition!

Everybody Loves Raymond and So Do We! Hot Ray Romano Pinup Pics INSIDE!

Why Are The Pages of My Tiger Beat Stuck Together? Sure Signs Your Brother is Gay!

One Hot Mama: Ruth Bader Ginsburg Shares Her Tips For Subtly Telling Your Guy He Can Get To Second Base With You!

Rest in Peace, guitar legend Ernest McLean, who played on most of Fats Domino’s biggest hits; enjoyed by millions around the world! He is considered by many to be the very first Rock and Roll guitarist.

Even more amazing? Thousands of people have listened to this legend play live- and they didn’t realize it. Mr. McLean was the last person personally hired by Walt Disney himself and has been performing live in New Orleans Square at Disneyland since 1966. A nice, steady gig to have between studio sessions!

He continued to perform on the streets of New Orleans Square as a retirement gig to keep busy and always felt blessed to continue playing for “Mr. Disney’s guests.”

When I was lucky to attend the 50th Birthday of Disneyland, our group was let into the park hours early for a wonderful breakfast in New Orleans Square. Mr. McLean was one of the musicians who entertained us and I remember his enthusiasm, especially considering how early it was! Mr. McLean’s talents will certainly be missed by the millions of people who enjoyed them.